You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
