I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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