Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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