I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
