hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
