First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
