the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
