You're my little dorito
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
