Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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