Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
