People with herpes should wear stickers.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
