Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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