So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
