well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
