sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
