Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
