this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
