Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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