I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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