he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
