She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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