I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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