Say something about gay babies.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
