I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
