the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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