I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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