Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
