My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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