So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
