I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
