I want to make a zoo with you.
Someone shit on the floor
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
