I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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