You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
