RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Randomize
