i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
