Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
