I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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