I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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