On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the condom got lost in my hair
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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