I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
