if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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