My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
