When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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