can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dignity is for republicans.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
