if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize