Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(845): View more from New York

I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we need is a web designer

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

and a bunch of prostitutes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(406): View more from Montana

I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...

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