Is it normal to miss your booty call?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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