I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
