the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
