I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
