Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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