There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
