Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You pole danced in your parka.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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