I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
