My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need to align my fucking chakras
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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