well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
