Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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